The Grandparents Guide to Getting Even

Introduction:

This book is to be used by Grandparents as a reminder to get even with your children once they've grown and had children of their own.

Haven't you ever thought to yourself that once your children are grown up, you'll remind them of all those times they made your life difficult, embarrassed you at a store or friend's house, made dinner a living nightmare or just didn't listen at all. Well here's your chance. This book doesn't focus on your children, but explains how to pop in for a visit with your grandchildren and get them so worked up that they are bouncing off the walls as Grandma and Grandpa leave to the peace of their home. This behavior may ultimately get you a one way ticket to the nursing home, but as your memory is drifting away you'll have the knowledge of finally getting even with those kids that right now make your life miserable.

The following chapters will focus on topics such as:

I. Bring Just One Gift

- When visiting your three grandchildren, bring just one gift and offer it to the youngest child and see what happens.

II. Sweets vs. Chocolates

- Which do you think will have the kids bouncing off the walls quicker, a lolipop or a hershey bar. Here's your chance to experiment.

III. Just say No.

- This chapter deals with the repercussions of saying no to everything your grandchildren ask you.

IV. Curses and other inappropriate language

- How funny is it when a two or three year old curse or say something inappropriate. Well here's an opportunity to fill your grandchild's mind with words he/she can use everyday. Mom's & Dad's just love to hear these words out in public....Vagina, Penis, Fu*k, Sh*t, or how about these phrases....Mom, that lady is really fat, or Dad, please don't beat us with the wood spoon anymore.

to be continued.....

Dinner Time

There is definitely a circus like atmosphere around dinner time at my house. I'm sure some, or even most of you have issues getting your children to eat certain foods, but at my house we are literally down to four types of foods....chicken shapes of some kind (dinosaurs and teddy bear shapes are popular right now), pasta (most often just plain), yogurts and pizza (this could be a slice or pizza bagel, though only my daughter is eating the bagel version right now. That's it!!! You would think with those few choices it would be a breeze to feed my 3 kids, but every single dinner time is a train wreck. First, as you can imagine the three of them don't ever feel like eating the same thing. Either two of them want something, while the third wants something different. I don't mention the kids names as the culprits are different each night. It could be two of them eating yogurts, while the other is eating pasta or it could be all 3 eating something different. Even after the meals are figured out, there are issues with who is sitting next to each other, what bottle of water belongs to whom and my personal favorite, which fork or spoon is who's as we have boy and girl cutlery.

Another issue is that the kids must talk to each other during dinner. I don't even listen anymore as I just want them to eat and go to bed. Who knows what a 6, 4 and 20 month old could possibly be talking about, but this united nations of children, all speaking some form or English, just yaps incessantly throughout dinner. I'm sure as a spectator it's incredibly cute, but as the dad it just sucks away a part of your life that you're never getting back.

Bedtime Stories

Let me start out by saying that I love my children very much. I have 4 very unique children with 8 unique personalities. There are the times when they are loving, warm and cuddly and say the funniest things...and then there are the times when their personalities no longer belong to them. They are either possessed by demons or this is who they really are. I'm not sure yet which is which, but each day convinces me more that dads have the toughest jobs, not moms. I'm currently unemployed and during the day I look for work with the late afternoons and evenings dedicated to kid time. I won't even go into feeding time in this blog.

After dinner it's time for brushing teeth and reading stories. This went relatively well until I made the mistake of offering one last story while cuddling with my two oldest (6 & 4) children. The other mistake I made was telling a made up story. This has now become an every day occurrence. At first it was kind of fun and making up stories wasn't too hard. There were magic trees and talking chipmunks which the kids thoroughly enjoyed. After a short while though, these were not good enough. They wanted me to incorporate bugs, lollipops, feathers and the color fuchsia. Even after making up one story after another, the rugrats started to complain that the stories weren't funny enough, weren't long enough or just weren't any good. Can you believe that I was agonizing each night, and now sometime during the day about stories that the kids would like and now they're telling me I stink as a storyteller.

I have this book in mind called the grandfather gets even with the kids book where I get even with my children by making their children crazy and then going home. I think the first chapter will be on making up stories and topics your parents will never be able to make up a story about.

Dad